if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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