So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
