i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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