the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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