there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
