***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
"it" just moved
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
