Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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