dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
