He told me they were just razor bumps!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
PS: I just woke up from my shower
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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