ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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