Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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