Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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