There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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