You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
