You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
