Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
