I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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