hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
