I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
