come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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