Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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