Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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