somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
