were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
