He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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