i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
