When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
