I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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