he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
