I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
