I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
MIDGETS
????
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
