How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
