I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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