Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
