Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
