apparently the secret to your success is patron
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
