We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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