The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
