My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You are a genius and a whore.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
