2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
