Your tits are I can't wait for
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
