The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
