It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
