I'm jealous of your bromance
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
