Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
