i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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