I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
