I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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