Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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