I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
