I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
