did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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