So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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