Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
